So you’ve done the steps and you feel worse?

There are many reasons for this.

Firstly, your expectations may have been built up. The steps are supposedly the means to a spiritual experience. As you may know, Bill Wilson had a white light experience – a spiritual awakening which was the turning point beginning his journey into sobriety. Most of the people I’ve spoken to have reported no such thing. There were no flashes of white light, no visits from the holy spirit and no trumpet fanfares from the archangel Gabriel. Not only that, but they didn’t feel especially spiritual after doing the steps either. Sad but true.

While it is true that awakening the human spirit is a crucial piece of the addiction puzzle, today, this process can be achieved much more effectively using humane, sensible and scientifically proven methods instead of the Twelve Steps with their heavy religious overtones. (some of these more progressive methods include good psychotherapy, non-shaming introspection, learning about addiction from a variety of sources, and not just the Big Book, exercise, good nutrition, learning how to have healthy relationships with others, etc.) Why am I so resistant to the famed Twelve Steps?

The reason is, that the steps were designed to smash the ego, and to cut a person down to size. If we read up on AA history, we find the famed letter on the steps as tools for ego deflation from Dr. Tiebout, the psychiatrist who shared his professional opinion on the beloved steps with the early AA founding fathers. (I found this letter on a website devoted to AA history and related information.)

While there does exist a fair percentage of pompous and arrogant individuals who may benefit from a good ego smashing, this does not represent the majority of alcoholics arriving at AA. Most people arrive at AA feeling lower than whale shit. Why smash their egos? Why not help them to build up a healthy self-esteem, and give them tools which are uplifting and nurturing to the human spirit? Like the sixteen steps to personal empowermentfor example?

In AA, there is no talk of self-love. The self is seen as bad, and must be abandoned to God. Things coming from the self, e.g.: selfishness, self-centerdeness, self-will, or the even worse, self-will run riot are the tainted fruits of The Self. Interestingly, it is common knowledge that in order to have satisfying loving relationships with others (a basic human need), individuals must first develop a loving relationship with The Self. Hmmm… How can this happen within the AA mindset if members must abandon the self? The primary love relationship which members are allowed, is with The Program… all good flows from The Program and all bad comes from The Self.

Seeing the self as bad — so bad that it must be abandoned completely, is extremely psychologically damaging to those members who were abused, neglected or abandoned as children! Such folks have often internalized the mistaken notion that they were not loved by their parents because of some core unworthiness in themselves! It is common for children to come to such a conclusion if they do not receive enough love growing up. How very very sad that this idea of core unworthiness is further reinforced by the 12 step ideology! Where is the self-esteem, self-efficacy, self-love, self-care? These concepts simply do not exist within the 12 step model.

Nevertheless, the 12 Steps are at the core of the AA program. They ARE the program…. I found that it was the bonding, sharing and exchange of ideas which seemed to have the greatest usefulness, however there was always the annoying pressure to talk about the steps. If an individual attends meetings for a long period of time and enjoys the community aspect but doesn’t integrate “the steps” into his/her life, sooner or later, s/he will be shamed by the other members (sometimes subtly, other times not so subtly) for not working the steps. Usually, the members will wait for an opportunity like a display of sadness or anger to chime in helpfully… “try the steps” they suggest. In an effort to appease the community and continue to enjoy group support, s/he “works the steps” and is once again accepted by the group provided that s/he reports back some positive aspect of the experience.

Contrary to what you may have been told, the steps (I like to call them God’s magic eraser) are not as effective as you may think. Those character defects that you’ve been praying on your knees about don’t disappear that easily! But you will always find those few serial rapists and car thieves in the rooms who will swear up and down that they have changed as a result of working the steps!!!

Then they’ll ask you for a ride home…

The illusion of a larger supportive community can be yours by jumping on the spiritual bandwagon and not questioning the party line. The price for this is frequently the compromise of one’s personal integrity. The selling of one’s soul! “Step two brought me closer to God” you say at a meeting. OK, sure, why not… now you have seven-hundred friends while before you had one or two.

Now just try questioning some of those party lines and see what happens… your seven-hundred “friends” will scatter like roaches. Were they really your friends to begin with, or were you just one more trusted servant who parroted what was expected of you and THEY needed YOU to mirror themselves and thus strengthen their belief that “it really works”.

What’s more, I’ve observed a particularly harmful use of the steps which I see applied rather frequently in the rooms. It is the use of a fourth & fifth step in times of great emotional distress. If these steps are being used to reveal “the part” the sufferer played in his/her pain, and if the implication is that if the sufferer’s “mistake” can be isolated, the knowledge of such will bring relief, it is certainly a dubious way to seek comfort! More often than not, I see people get even more depressed or even suicidal after a doing a fourth and fifth step in this context.

Some dark humor which illustrates the above scenario…

Did you hear that the president of Hallmark cards has joined AA? They’ll be recalling all sympathy cards and replacing them with a new, 12 step version…

Cover of new card reads…I hear that your mother died, and as a result, you’re in excruciating emotional pain…

Inside… Have you tried the steps?

It’s time to get your brain out of hock.

It’s time to DEPROGRAM.